What We Get Wrong About Teaching Kids to Apologize and Forgive
Suzanne Freedman in Parenting & Family, Apr 2026
(from the article)- “As an expert on the topic of interpersonal forgiveness, it is difficult for me to hear of situations when teachers and parents demand children to apologize and forgive immediately after an offense. Those are often viewed as quick behavioral fixes in situations of conflict or when one individual has been hurt by another. This process often includes instructions such as: “Say I’m sorry, accept the apology, and move on.”
For parents and educators, this solution may feel easy and effective, as it appears to involve restoring social harmony quickly while also teaching children responsibility and compassion. But, although we may believe that we are encouraging moral behavior and helping students feel better, we are actually teaching them that forgiveness and apologies result by simply saying the words without understanding the meaning and process behind these moral actions, according to May Yuan and her colleagues in a 2021 article.
In fact, forgiveness and apology require emotional readiness, perspective taking, and empathy. According to Emma Kemp and her colleagues, who examined children’s emotional forgiveness in another 2021 study, these skills develop with time and gradually throughout childhood and adolescence. It goes beyond just saying the words “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you.”
Specifically, forgiveness involves a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and negative behavior toward one’s offender, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, empathy, and goodwill toward the offender. Notice that in this definition, one has a right to resentment and that the offender does not deserve compassion and goodwill because of their hurtful actions—but we give it to them anyway…”
