Corollavirus is coming!

YOU’RE ready for the pandemic, but what about your vehicles?

“Prepared. I’d have to say we’re prepared,” said Tom Dwyer, when asked about his company’s response to the Coronavirus. “We’re not panicking. We’re listening to the medical professionals and taking all appropriate precautions.” But his face became grim as he continued. “As humans we care most about the effects on people, but as automotive professionals our biggest worry is the spread of the virus to our clients’ vehicles.” What? A virus that spreads to cars? It’s not talked about often in the mainstream media, but it’s not news… most human diseases have their counterparts in the automotive world. YOU might be prepared for the pandemic, but here’s what you need to know to make sure your vehicle survives with you…

What are automotive viruses?

We’re changing in response to the Coronavirus, but you can count on the same friendly service from the same friendly Service Advisors you’ve known for years.

The idea of automotive viruses may be new to some people, but automotive medical professionals have been dealing with their insidious effects for years. Dr. Paul Ersatz of the Oregon Auto-Medical Response Team (OAMRT) gave us some background. “Most of the big disease outbursts in recent years have had corresponding automotive variants. MERS hit Mercedes and SARS was hard on Saabs”, he said. “When the H1-N1 virus hit in 2009 it was devastating to Hummers, but since they weren’t widely distributed in the population it didn’t have much of an impact. In fact, the Corollavirus is really just a variation of the Cordobavirus that struck American-made luxury cars in the late 70’s.”

“Because people and their cars have such a close association, human diseases often mutate and move on to strike the automotive population”, Dr. Ersatz explained. “Human viruses enter a vehicle with the driver and collect on surfaces like steering wheels and dashboards. Every vehicle model forms its own unique micro-climate from exhaust fumes, chemical outgassing, heat buildup, and moisture condensation, but all are virtual petri dishes for accelerating mutation. Natural selection tailors each virus for the type of vehicle it evolved in, so while these viruses are almost impossible to remove from their ‘home’ vehicle environments they’re also unlikely to jump from one car model to another.”

How can you protect your vehicle?

“Generally, if it’s good for you it’s good for your car.” Here, a Technician applies an anti-viral coating to a vehicle that’s tested positive for Corollavirus.

Dr. Ersatz says a good rule of thumb is “if it’s good for you then it’s good for your car”. Most of the advice from CDC on controlling human coronavirus has parallels in fighting automotive corollavirus.

Maintain social distance– 6 feet or so is appropriate for humans, but vehicles need a little more space. Leave at least 100 feet between other cars in traffic.
Avoid large gatherings– Sports and entertainment events are being closed across the country, and your vehicle isn’t immune. Locally, Oregon is cancelling traffic jams and congestion in areas like the I-5/I-84 interchange and the Columbia River bridge, while Washington is completely shutting down I-5 from Tacoma to Seattle. Traffic is expected to return to hell as soon as the medical restrictions are lifted.
Wash your hands- Humans need soap and water for 20 seconds (the time it takes to sing “Happy Birthday” twice) but your car needs much more. Plan a full scrub with Purell Foaming Car Wash (or equivalent) while singing “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Do this 4-6 times a day.
Avoid Contact- PLEASE, no fender benders for the duration of the emergency! Don’t hit any other vehicle without proper preparation! If you MUST have an accident, drive to an empty parking lot and douse both cars with Purell Foaming Pre-Accident Protectant. From there, you can smash into each other in isolation and safety.
Automotive surgical masks won’t protect your vehicle, but they’ll prevent it from infecting others. If you need one, don’t worry… our supply of auto surgical masks hasn’t been affected by panic buying.
Wear Masks- Automotive masks are VERY helpful in preventing transmission to other people and vehicles! The OAMRT reports that no vehicle… let us repeat that, NO VEHICLE, has EVER contracted an automotive virus while wearing an automotive protective mask! Panic buying of automotive surgical masks has cleared the shelves of most shops, but not at Tom Dwyer Automotive Services. If you need a surgical mask for your vehicle, count on us. Our supply of masks is just as stable as it has been for years.

Stay safe out there!

The Trump administration’s incompetent response to Coronavirus is dwarfed by their absolute refusal to even admit Corollavirus exists at all. If you take their word for it, Corollavirus isn’t a threat and we can pretend the whole thing doesn’t exist. But just as with Coronavirus, we’re learning to look past the ‘leaders’ and pay attention to the experts. Dr. Ersatz’ best advice for surviving this pandemic? “Don’t panic”, he said. “Take appropriate precautions and be careful, but realize this isn’t the end of the world. We’ll get through this thing together. As for me, I’m taking Steve Mnuchin’s advice… I’m going to go buy stock and keep the economy afloat!”