Our new HAL unit assisting its first clients. What could possibly go wrong?
“It was hard saying goodbye to all the old guys, but we had to keep up with the times. These new Robotic Service Advisors are the wave of the future.” So said Tom Dwyer, owner of Tom Dwyer Automotive Services, about his shop’s latest technological upgrade. “Our clients know to expect respectful human contact from people who care about their needs and know their vehicles. They’re used to advice in their interest, not our shop’s bottom line. Well, no more of that! Replacing caring human Service Advisors with these profit-driven behemoths means money, money, money for us… and there may be something in it for our clients, too. Let me think…”
As in other industries, the human factor has always been the biggest weakness in the auto industry. Humans divert profit from a shop’s bottom line. They need pay, they get sick, they have pride in their work, and they deserve respect for their basic human dignity. Robots eliminate all these problems. While robotic Technicians are still on the horizon, robotic Service Advisors were much easier to create. “If you ignore their technical expertise, trust, and integrity, Service Advisors really just hand out invoices and swipe credit cards” said Tom. He beamed when discussing the Advisor’s Personality Packages. “These new HAL (Human-Automotive Liaison) units are programmed to mimic the human warmth our clients expect, but with the profit-at-all-cost mindset the rest of the industry has perfected!”
Another big change is the pay motivation of the HAL units. Tom explained “most Service Advisors at other shops are motivated by commission. If they don’t sell, they don’t get paid, so it may be in their interests to sell you services you don’t need. Our human Advisors were always on salary, so they had no potential for conflict of interest. Their only job was to give clients advice that made sense for their personal vehicle-ownership goals. These HALs, though… they aren’t motivated by pay at all. We just give them an occasional barrel of human blood, or maybe some inside information on the plans of the Human Resistance Movement, and they’re happy.”
The obsolete humans were replaced consistent with Tom’s environmentally-friendly philosophy. “We didn’t just scrap our human Advisors; far from it. Ken, Drew, Sarah, and that other one were with us for years and we cared what happened to them. So we had them recycled.” While the Advisor’s brains were immediately downloaded into the new HALs, their internal organs were sold to a black-market Chinese organ bank. “Most of the guys had seen a lot of mileage so their organs were in pretty bad shape, especially livers and lungs. We didn’t get as much for them as we wanted, but probably more than they were worth.” The remaining bits were donated to a composting recycler in Roseburg. “Better that than the landfill”, said Tom. “The guys would have wanted it this way. Well, probably. We didn’t ask.”
What does the future hold now that Tom’s front desk is humming along with mechanical efficiency? “I’m really looking forward to trying one of CyberDyne’s Aggressive Marketing packages. If there’s anything easier to automate than our Service Advisors, it has to be our Marketing! Rather than sending occasional reminders about your oil changes, we’d just send one of our Marketing Drone Units to your house. They’d bring you to the shop, tell you what you need, tell you what you’ll choose to do, extract payment, and return your desiccated husk to your home. You’d be spared the effort and responsibility of making choices, and we’d save the cost of a stamp. It’s a win-win!”
Tom Dwyer shows a rare side of himself in this interview
It’s no accident that client’s response to the new Service Advisors has been so positive. “Each HAL has a Complaint Resolution subroutine that allows them to deal with problem clients permanently, so no one has complained out-loud yet,” said Tom. He paused for a moment, then calmly reached up and unzipped his face. “As a robot myself, I’m really excited about the possibilities of automating human functions. For more than thirty years I’ve worked to build a company that provides the highest quality automotive repair along with a fanatic level of customer service. Let me tell you… humans are nothing but a hassle! Catering to individuals takes effort, building trust takes time, and precision repairs take skill. It’s way more profitable to just treat clients and employees as interchangeable commodities that come and go. Our new HAL robots are a step in that direction!”
So don’t delay! Resistance is futile… surrender now and come say “Hi” to our new HAL Robotic Service Advisors. Or just wait… we’ll send one to you soon enough!
Want to know more? For full technical specs on the HAL-Series Robotic Service Advisors, including cost, power supply, and the status of that nasty lawsuit involving the Advisor that went berserk and destroyed downtown Omaha, just click here for the CyberDyne website!
