There’s a niche of humor built around smart people. Not jokes ABOUT smart people, but jokes you supposedly have to BE smart to understand. Maybe you don’t need to be Einstein to ‘get’ these, but you will need to think about them… each one is like a puzzle with a laugh reward for solving it. The ‘smart’ threshold varies from the obscure to the obvious, but if you run across one you don’t get just give us a call. We might not be able to explain it ourselves, but we can go find someone much smarter than us who can!
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says “I don’t know.” The third logician says “Yes!”
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said “this is pointless” and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “don’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?” To which the engineer replied, “So what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”
Apple has announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The device is priced between $499 and $699 depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl?” The logician replies: “Yes.”
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce “unionized”.
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Godel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting “oh crap, I forgot to feed the dog!”
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gasses here.” He doesn’t react.
Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.
A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson then replies “but without me, how could you have mass?”
Two kittens are on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.
The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve faster than light particles here.” A neutrino walks into a bar.
Pretentious? Moi?
Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.
Warner Heisenberg was speeding. A cop pulls him over and says “Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?” Heisenberg says “No, but I knew exactly where I was.”
How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01, 10, 11!
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
So a hydroxide ion asks a potassium ion out. The potassium ion says no, because the hydroxide ion is a bit of a HO.
How do you know when you’re being approached by the Quantum Mafia? They make you an offer you can’t understand.
I saw a guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”
Three mathematicians go hunting and shoot at a deer. The first mathematician misses to the front, the second misses to the back, and the third one yells, “We got ‘em!”
A backward poet writes inverse.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey Tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
C, Eb, and G into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.”
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Knock-knock. Who’s there? Knock-knock. Who’s there? Philip Glass.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second says “I’ll have some H2O too.” The second scientist dies.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s OK now.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
2024 Big Dump o’ Bar Jokes!
(Thanks to Gary Simonson and Eric Auld for these… we don’t know who they are, but maybe you do.)
- An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
- A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
- A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
- An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
- Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
- A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
- Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
- A question mark walks into a bar?
- A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
- Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
- A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
- A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
- Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
- A synonym strolls into a tavern.
- At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
- A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
- Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
- A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
- An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
- The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
- A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
- The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
- A dyslexic walks into a bra.
- A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
- A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
- A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
- A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
- A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
- A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
- A question mark walks into a bar?
- Two quotation marks “walk into” a bar.
- A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.
- The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
- Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.
