Get to know the new Tom Dwyer Corporate Auto Services Wonderland!
by Charles Letherwood, special to “Your Car Matters”
“I wrote the first rent check for Tom Dwyer Automotive Services on October 7, 1987, almost thirty-eight years ago.” We sat down to chat with Tom Dwyer, the man who wrote that check, to talk about his plans for the future of the company. “Since then we’ve built a successful business on quality service, reasonable pricing, and advice in our clients’ interests.” He paused to thoughtfully rearrange a few papers on his desk. “But I guess it’s never too late to change.”
“I’m an old guy who grew up with old values. Profit isn’t a dirty word to me, and our company definitely needs to make a profit to prosper and grow! But I always thought there was a such thing as a FAIR profit, a reasonable return from providing real value. Looking around the world I see that maybe that’s just an outdated idea. Tom Dwyer Automotive is a corporation, and I’m told the only purpose of a corporation is to make as much profit as possible by any means possible. So, we’ve been trying to modernize our goals a little. Really, when you look at the world through that lens, it’s amazing how much can be cut!”
Tom had no problems providing details. “Turns out we’ve already made a great start. For example, we had huge success when we upgraded to Robotic Service Advisors a few years ago. We used to boast that our human Advisors weren’t on commission, but even a salaried human needs wages. Not those robots! In one whack, we were able to eliminate wages, benefits, and basic human dignity. Of course we still keep a human Advisor or two as pets, but the Robots keep them in line just fine.”
Service Advisors were just the tip of the iceberg. Tom was also excited about big savings in his world-class staff of ASE-Certified and ASE-Master-Certified Technicians. “It turns out many of our clients, especially the first-timers, had been doing our work for us. Apparently all it takes is a quick Google search to diagnose and solve the hardest mechanical problems, but we’d been wasting time with qualified, experienced, and expensive Technicians. No more! From now on our CLIENTS will be empowered to tell us precisely what’s wrong, and precisely how to fix it. And with A.I. stepping up to make Googling even easier, they can be as much as 35% confident that their solution will be the right one!”
Savings don’t stop there, either. “I’ve been very impressed by the DOGE approach to efficiency. Elon’s team has managed to slash huge segments of a complex governmental system, yet still promise the government will perform even better when they’re done. I think this method easily carries over into the auto world. For instance, have you ever opened your hood? Just look at all that stuff in there! Is it more likely you really need ALL of it to drive, or is it more likely that Big Engine is just pushing useless parts on the Sheeple? I mean c’mon… most of those fiddly spinning bits probably don’t do anything anyway! Our new plan is to DOGE each vehicles’ engine and transmission then ship everything to a Russian parts trafficking operation. Your vehicle will look exactly the same when you’re ready to pick it up. If it doesn’t perform like you’re used to, hey… sue us!”
That seemed like a red flag to us so we pressed Tom on it. Surely, all these beneficial changes must come with a downside? He only squirmed a little as he answered. “Well, yes, we do expect some expenses to increase. We’ll have to hire a team of lawyers that never seemed necessary before. And I’ll have to siphon off a considerable amount for campaign contributions to my political cronies. But in the long run, the political contributions will change the laws so that there’s no way to hold us responsible and so, eventually, no need for the lawyers. There may be a painful transition period in the short term but when the lawyers’ fees drop, we can pass the savings on to our clients. Probably. Well, possibly. Lemme get back with you on that.”
Asked for his closing thoughts, Tom glowed. “I think we’re entering a Golden Age of auto service”, he said, “and Tom Dwyer Automotive has always been at the forefront. Back in the KPOJ days I’d already announced we were planning some of these changes, but the laws just hadn’t caught up with us yet. Years later, with a new administration sympathetic to the needs of small businesses like mine, I think we’re ready to silence any opposition. Come on down to the new Tom Dwyer Corporate Auto Service Wonderland! But if you don’t come down, don’t worry… we’ll be coming soon for you!”
Then a sly smile crept over Tom’s face as he shouted…
