George Santos kicks off his 2024 Presidential Re-Election Campaign at Wallace Books in Sellwood*
(by Charles Letherwood, special to Your Car Matters, Portland, OR)
It may not seem wise to run for political office under a cloud of impending prosecution, but it’s not stopping Trump and it’s not even slowing George Santos down. His plea deal for fraud in Brazil hasn’t been finalized yet but George is already launching his 2024 re-election campaign for President. Tom Dwyer Automotive Services is proud to bring Representative Santos to Sellwood’s Wallace Books for his first campaign event, a reading from his bestselling autobiography “The Audacity of Hope”.
We caught up with George as he landed at Sellwood International Airport (SIA), jauntily attired in a stolen Burberry scarf and aviators’ jacket from his time with the RAF. “Sorry about that”, he said, flashing his trademark empty grin. “I had to fly that Soyuz capsule back from the ISS last week and it’s taking me a little time to adjust to regular jets again.”
The freshman Congressman recently offered to co-sponsor the “No Fortune for Fraud” act, which would prevent members of Congress from financially profiting from certain illegal acts. But sadly, this noble and selfless politician isn’t known for his leadership in Congressional ethics. No, he’s been at the center of a firestorm of accusations since taking office in January, and those accusations were what we ready to talk about in our no-holds-barred interview.
Unfortunately, campaign manager Anthony Devolder (coincidentally, also dressed in Burberry scarf and jacket) shouldered George aside to address the controversies with us instead.
“Haters,” Devolder said. “It’s all just a few left-wing haters mad about a few petty inconsistencies in George’s statements about his ancestry, religion, education, employment, charity work, property ownership, and crimes he claimed to be a victim of. Oh, and the investigations by the Federal Election Committee, New York state, Nassau County, and the House Ethics Committee. And those bastards in Brazil, they’re all haters too. It’s all just jealousy.”
Devolder continued, “And there’s nothing to the allegations of campaign finance violations, mis-spent campaign funds, $25,000 campaign dinners, fake PACs, fictitious donors, phantom donations, or credit card fraud. Of course that stuff with RedStone Strategies, Rise NY, and WinRed never happened.”
Anthony took a deep breath and soldiered on. “The multiple aliases and fake names were mistaken identity, but it was George mistaking his own identity for someone else’s. His mom might not have died in the 9-11 attacks, but she is dead, so hey, who’s to say? His jobs with Harbor City Capital, Globo, CitiGroup, Goldman Sachs, or acting in Hannah Montana, or producing the Spider-Man musical may not have been real, but I’m pretty sure his Dish Network call center thing was. I guess he had to be doing something during all that time, I mean after all, he was able to loan $700,000 to his own campaign. You can’t do that if you’re broke!”
Amazingly, Devolder kept going, saying “It’s naked religious bigotry to say that Jew-ish Catholics aren’t a thing. And you know what else, bigots? No matter what you say, George is gay. Sure he was married to a woman, but what gay man doesn’t like women? And if he was married to a woman, how could he have possibly been sexually harassing that guy at the karaoke bar? It just doesn’t make any sense.”
Campaign manager Devolder finally brought it home, saying “The eviction in Queens was overblown, especially the part about the fish tank. I don’t know why people think he bounced checks to Amish farmers. The thing about the fake GoFundMe for the dog dying of cancer and the multiple fraudulent animal fundraisers are total fabrications. George had nothing to do with credit-card skimming or stealing from his roommates, and the 29 traffic violations were all unrelated cases of mistaken identity too. It’s all just fake news from haters.”
After a long, awkward pause, Devolder quietly whispered “But that thing about being a star volleyball player at Baruch College, though… that may not actually be true.”
His campaign manager didn’t leave us much time to talk to Mr. Santos himself, but it was enough for George to explain his qualifications for the nation’s highest office. “I’m a political outsider, but my political experience is a plus because I’m an outsider who’s very much an insider. This is my first term in Congress, but I’ve served as US President before and King in Canada. I have the wisdom of ignorance and the experience of inexperience. I believe in an America where people like me can not just make it to the top, but where people like you are doomed to watch. 
I believe in government by the reptilian part of our brains because I believe in the power of lizards. And right now, I believe I’ll go join the Mad Hatter for tea.”
If you believe him, George Santos will be at Sellwood’s Wallace Bookstore on April 1 at 5pm. He’ll reading from his autobiography “The Audacity of Hope”, about his experiences growing up as a Black man in 1930’s Alabama and how it has shaped his political consciousness. Tickets are still available, so call us Charles at Tom Dwyer Automotive, 503-230-2300 if you’d like a set.
And there’s one final thing we’d like to say on behalf of George Santos, Anthony Devolder, and everyone here at Tom Dwyer Automotive Services…
APRIL FOOLS! (click here to catch up on our past April Fools efforts)
* Yes, this is our April Fools article and some of it is made up, but it’s terrifying how much is true this year. Don’t believe us? Don’t blame you! You’ll have to dig deep to separate truth from fiction, but get started by looking at George Santos’ Wikipedia page. We made up George Santos’ comments as satire (for you lawyers out there), but we pulled Mr. Devolder’s speech directly from the Wikipedia article. It has 252 footnotes documenting the lies, half-truths, and scandals of Santos/Devolder’s brief but still all-too-long political career.
But yes, Santos really did offer to co-sponsor the “No Fortune for Fraud” act. Seriously! No April Fool!
