Tom’s Tidbits- What to do when feelings matter more than facts

It’s not news that we (as a country) are barely talking with each other anymore. We’ve always fought, often loudly, with political battles lasting decades or lifetimes. But we’ve almost always chosen (with the relevant exception of the Civil War) to fight these battles with words, laws, and constitutional government. For the moment we’re staving off national-level gunfights, but in our homes and businesses the dialogue has also sunk from arguments over substance to shouting over feelings.

I worry a strawman is killing most of these relationships. I have a friend (call him Bernie) who was cut off by a Trump-supporter (call him Don) after almost 40 years of friendship for being a socialist, communist, Stalinist, promoter of perversion, and agent of Satan trying to overthrow the good work of God and persecute patriotic Christians. Literally. Seriously. Don no longer saw the reality of Bernie, a person he’d known for decades, but only a ludicrous stereotype mindlessly driven by hatred and evil to destroy all that is good. That’s no accident. It’s the fact-free, feeling-based caricature intentionally and relentlessly built by the right-wing hate machine since the 90’s.

I hate to say it, but there’s a common denominator in people who believe ‘alternative facts’. They don’t question, they have faith in their feelings. They’re comfortable accepting the word of authorities as justification without understanding for themselves. There are healthy, rational people in politics, religion, health, science, and more, but the unquestioning in all these areas are the necessary prey for demagogues, televangelists, quack doctors, and tech hucksters. When a capitalist country, on a capitalistic system, run by authoritarian, oligarchic, radical free-marketers that have been in power for decades” is failing, it’s not the fault of “the other”, be it socialism, radical Lefties, environmentalists, gay people, Blacks, or immigrants. But this is what the demagogues weave to form a terrifying ‘Radical Left’ strawman that will resonate with the impermeable faith of the unquestioning.

Since the obvious questions are unanswerable, the ‘arguments’ presented for (and by) the unquestioning are solely there to relieve cognitive dissonance, the conflict between reality and our ideas. They’re designed to cloud thought instead of clarifying it. I know this because, (in direct refutation of the strawman) I spend more time listening to people I don’t agree with than ones I do. Fundamental, reasonable questions aren’t answered by screeching ‘own the Libs’ diatribes, but that was never the point. The unquestioning have their feelings validated, their curiosity numbed, and facts ignored. They are only indoctrinated deeper into the cult.

What to do? Let’s go back to Bernie and Don, because the feelings of an unquestioning person are real even if their thoughts are replaced with cult doctrine. Bernie has the same 40-year experience Don does, but Bernie doesn’t see Don as a right-wing version of the evil strawman. Bernie knows that despite Don’s painfully real flaws, he’s basically a good guy with reasonable values and respect for others. But the Trump years have assaulted the basic goodness in all of us, and it’s been increasingly difficult to resolve the authoritarian, arbitrary, cruel positions of Trumpism with ‘good values’ of any kind. The demagogues’ anesthetic has let Don hold his ideals for years without questioning their conflicts with culture around them. It’s a waste of time trying to reach people in the throes of a cult and reason won’t help Don or Bernie right now, but the cognitive dissonance is growing. By quietly being the proof the strawman isn’t real, Bernie is appealing directly to Don’s feelings instead of his rationality. He’s increasing Don’s cognitive dissonance while showing a way out. He’s giving Don a way to leave the cult.

We all ‘feel’ right about everything, that’s at least one part of what it means to be human. The only way to know where our feelings are wrong is to share our version of reality with other people. That’s at least one part of rationality. In our societies, we have to keep having these conversations instead of resorting to violence. That’s at least one part of civilization. For those who ‘feel’ civilization is important, we should rationally compare this feeling with others in non-violent, principled conversations. But the cancer of Trumpism relies on directing feelings, stopping rational conversation, and threatening violence. It’s the antithesis of civilization.

The dead relationships of friends and family are just a harbinger of what’s to come when feelings trump facts. As Neil DeGrasse Tyson said, “You can’t use reason to convince anyone out of an argument that they didn’t use reason to get into”. If some of our fellow citizens have abandoned facts then maybe all we’re left with, for now, is to speak to their feelings. It’s slow, infuriating, and all-too-often ineffective, but I think it’s much better than the bloody alternatives.

Make a great day,

aaazTomSignature

Digging Deeper…

This article, along with my friend’s Don and Bernie story, prompted Tidbits this month…

Trump’s presidency is over. So are many relationships. Joe Pinsker in The Atlantic, Sep 2022

Obviously, we barely scratched the surface of this critical subject. Instead of our usual Digging Deeper links from various sources, we’d like to direct you to three relevant articles we wrote ourselves that we’re especially proud of. The links below them are just part of the “Can’t We All Just Get Along?” article, the most relevant of the three.

Science on motivations, opinions, brain differences in Left and Right, and getting along

Explains how to identify cults and how cults work on the unquestioning

Government of, by, and for the unquestioning, and how demagogues are making it real

(From “Cant We All Just Get Along?”, Tom Dwyer Newsletter, Jan 2021) There’s no way to always agree, yet we have to live together. What’s the best way to change the mind of ‘the other’, whoever ‘they’ might be?