Meet our new Robotic Service Advisors… or else

They’ve never been on commission… now they aren’t even paid at all!

“It was hard saying goodbye to all the old guys, but these new Robotic Service Advisors are the wave of the future.” So said Tom Dwyer about Tom Dwyer Automotive Service’s latest technological upgrades. “Our clients expect respectful human contact from real people who care about their needs and know their vehicles. They’re used to advice in their interest and not our shop’s bottom line. Well, no more of that touchy-feely stuff! Replacing caring human Service Advisors with these profit-driven behemoths means money, money, money for us! There may be something in it for our clients, too. Let me think…”

As in other industries, the human factor has always been the biggest weakness in the auto industry. Humans divert profit from a shop’s bottom line. They need to be paid, they get sick, they take pride in their work, and they deserve respect for basic human dignity. Robots eliminate all these problems. Robotic Technicians are still on the horizon, but robotic Service Advisors were much easier to create. “If you ignore their technical expertise, trust, and integrity, Service Advisors really just hand out invoices and swipe credit cards” said Tom. He beamed when discussing the Advisor’s Personality Packages. “These new HAL (Human-Automotive Liaison) units are programmed to mimic all the human warmth our clients expect, but with the profit-at-all-cost mindset the rest of the industry has perfected!”

Robotic Service Advisors are just the first of many changes as we switch from “Tom Dwyer Automotive Services” to “Tom Dwyer’s Corporate Auto-Service Wonderland“. Click here to keep up on what’s happening!

Another big change is the pay motivation of the HAL units. Tom explained “Service Advisors at most other shops are on commission. If they don’t sell they don’t get paid, so it may be in their interests to sell you services you don’t need. Our human Advisors had no potential conflict of interest because they were always on salary; their only job was to give clients advice that made sense for their personal vehicle-ownership goals. These HALs, though… they aren’t motivated by pay at all. We just give them an occasional barrel of human blood or some tips about the Human Resistance Movement and they’re happy.”

Our obsolete human units were replaced consistent with Tom’s environmentally-friendly philosophy. “We didn’t just scrap our human Advisors; far from it! Ken, and um.. Dean, and… and… well, I think there were a couple others, but they were all with us for years and were just like family. We really cared what happened to them, so we had them recycled.” Their brains were immediately downloaded into the new HAL units and their internal organs were sold to a black-market Chinese organ bank. “Most of the guys had seen a lot of mileage so their organs were in pretty bad shape, especially livers and lungs. We didn’t get as much for them as we hoped for, but probably more than they were worth.” The remaining bits were donated to a composting recycler in Roseburg. “Better that than the landfill”, said Tom. “The guys would have wanted it this way. Well, probably. It was too late to ask.”

Did Covid play a role in the change? “Absolutely,” said Tom. “Aside from the fact they don’t breathe so they don’t need filter masks, our HAL units are designed to be easily sanitized. We heat them to red-hot in an 800° kiln and dip them in an industrial strength bleach vat to cool down. This didn’t work out very well with the first human Advisors we tried it on, so switching to Robots was the obvious choice. Safety first!”

What does the future hold now that Tom’s front desk is humming along with mechanical efficiency? “I’m really looking forward to trying one of CyberDyne’s Aggressive Marketing packages. If there’s anything easier than automating our Service Advisors, it has to be our Marketing! Rather than sending occasional reminders about your oil changes, we’d just target you with a Marketing Drone Unit. They’d invade your home, bring you to the shop, tell you what you need, tell you what you’ll choose to do, extract payment, and return your desiccated husk to your home. You’d be spared the effort and responsibility of making choices, and we’d save the cost of a stamp. It’s a win-win!”

Tom Dwyer shows a rare side of himself in this interview

It’s no accident that client’s response to the new Service Advisors has been so positive. “Each HAL has a Complaint Resolution subroutine that allows them to deal with problem clients permanently, so no one has complained out-loud yet,” said Tom. He paused for a moment, then calmly reached up and unzipped his face. “As a robot myself, I’m really excited about the possibilities of automating human functions. For more than thirty years I’ve worked to build a company that provides the highest quality automotive repair along with a fanatic level of customer service. Let me tell you… humans are nothing but a hassle! Catering to individuals takes effort, building trust takes time, and precision repairs take skill. It’s much easier and more profitable to just treat clients as customers and employees as interchangeable commodities that come and go. Our new HAL robots are a real step in that direction!”

So don’t delay! Resistance is futile… surrender now and come say “Hi” to our new HAL Robotic Service Advisors. Or just wait… we’ll send one to you soon enough!