If you’re like us, you’re only now recovering from the mindless debauchery that was National Tell A Joke Day on August 16 (not to be confused with International Joke Day on July 1. Posers!). Whew! What a party! For the few of you who missed it, we found some really good jokes to get you going for next year. Start memorizing now, and work on that rim shot!
Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, “What kind of music do you like?” The other one says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper. He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me. It means a lot.
The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. Her daughter didn’t look surprised.
What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, “Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?” I said, “What are the options?” She said, “Yes and No.”
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta. Now it’s a Ford Focus.
When does a joke become a Dad joke? When it becomes fully groan.
My friend has got a butler who only has one arm. Serves him right.
My favorite color is purple. I like it more than blue and red combined.
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein? No whey Jose.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My girlfriend has her own taser. She’s a real stunner…
What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.
I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said, “Ooh, yes.” I said, “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”
My friend is a structural engineer. He’s always complaining about stress at work.
I used to be a narcissist. But now look at me.
They say make up sex is the best… Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday. My neighbor is dead against it.
I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious… She’s asked me to move out with her.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today. As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn… But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic… But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today. But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.
What do you call a fish without eyes? Fsh.
Two muffins are baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?” The other muffin says “AAAAHHH!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over a bay, they’d be bagels.
Where can you buy chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
What do you call fake spaghetti? Impasta
What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows.
What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.
OK, we’ll stop now, but you can find all these and more at the same spots we found them… LaffGaff.com and (believe it or not) Readers’ Digest (RD.com). LaffGaff especially has a long list of goodies and groaners; many very funny but slightly unfit for a family automotive newsletter.
