William Arthur Ward said “To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.” Laughing at ourselves may or may not be maturity, but it keeps us humble, letting us see ourselves as others see us. In some ways it’s like seeing yourself in a picture- “Do I really look like that?” It’s an educational surprise, and if the joke is told without malice it can 
even be a pleasant one.
That in mind, we trolled the net this month for jokes and funny miscellany about ourselves… Oregonians. We pride ourselves on our environmental awareness, on our groundbreaking legislation, on being at the national forefront of cool. But some of that, inevitably, also gives us the chance to laugh at ourselves. Here’s the cleanest Oregonian jokes we could find, along with some odd Oregon laws that are jokes in themselves. (Everything came from ahajokes.com, jokes4us.com, and weirdfacts.com, except the few we added by asking around the shop.) Do you know any good ones we missed? Send them to TomDwyer@TomDwyer.com and we’ll pass them along in our next newsletter.
Q: Why do people from Portland go to garage sales in Gresham?
A: To get their stuff back.
To pay for the deficit, California wants to tax marijuana, Oregon wants to raise beer taxes and New York wants to tax internet porn. You know what that means, right? The national debt can be paid off by a few college frat guys in one weekend.
A hipster was skateboarding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road by Council Crest.
A woman was driving very slowly uphill, honking her horn and shouting at him: “PIG! PIG!”
He flipped her the finger and shouted back “*&$#*$) COW!”
…just before he collided with the pig.
Oregon has four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to get an organically grown free-range recycled low-wattage energy-efficient replacement bulb at the non-profit light bulb co-op, and a third to donate the old bulb to a homeless shelter.
Q: How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oh, it’s a really obscure number…you probably haven’t heard of it.
A purportedly true story from Trimet…
Two guys just got into town and they’re taking the bus to a party in Southeast.
First guy says, “It’s gonna be a great party tonight!”
His friend says, “Yeah, man, I LOVE Halloween.”
“Halloween’s NEXT weekend, dude.”
“What? You mean these people always look like this?!”
Actually, Oregon has two seasons: the rainy season and July 17th.
A newcomer to Portland arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it’s raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, ”Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?” The kid says, ”How should I know? I’m only 8.'”
A Californian, a Texan and an Oregonian are on a camping trip. The Californian takes out a bottle of chardonnay and takes a swig from it, then tosses it into the air and blows it apart with a Glock.
The Texan and Oregonian protest and the Californian says “We have oceans of that stuff, it’s no big deal.”
The Texan, not to be outdone, produces a bottle of premium tequila, takes a drink then throws it into the air and blasts it to pieces with a revolver. He says “Got tons of it it, no big deal.”
The Oregonian chugs a bottle of IPA, then takes a shotgun from his backpack and blows the Californian away. The Texan stares at him aghast until the Oregonian says: We have lots of those. But this bottle is worth five cents.
You Know You Live In Oregon If…
* You stopped even pretending to believe the weather man.
* You throw an aluminum can in the trash and feel guilty.
* You hear the words ‘sun breaks’ and know what it means.
* You know more than 10 words to describe a cup of coffee.
* You complain about Californians as you sell your house to one for twice as much as you originally paid.
* You never go camping without water-proof matches and ponchos.
* You stand on a deserted street corner in the rain waiting for the light to change (if there even is a light).
* You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
* You obey all traffic laws except keep right and left passing.
* You only honk your horn if collision is imminent and never for anything else.
* You consider swimming an indoor sport.
* You know it’s a “hill” instead of a “mountain” if it doesn’t have snow on it or has not recently erupted, regardless of its altitude.
* You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, and Thai food.
* In the winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark, but still only have an 8 hour day.
* You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a really nice restaurant.
* You consider “etiquette” a foreign word.
* You no longer resent being called “weird”
* You drool at the world’s worst spaghetti sauce.
* You find a wallet with $500 and give it back to the owner.
* You used to live somewhere else but won’t admit it publicly.
* You’ve ever ordered a half caf/decaf, nonfat mocha grande with sugar-free cranberry whip (or you know what it is).
* Your friends registered at Deek & Bryan’s Next Adventure for their wedding.
* If someone ran your car off the highway, you might drown.
* You’d be miffed if the store was out of your favorite brand of water.
* Every day is casual Friday
Dumb Oregon Laws (Statewide)
- Dishes must be drip dried.
- The “Peer Review Statute” prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart.
- It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property.
- Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays.
- You may not pump your own gas in service stations.
- One may not bathe without wearing “suitable clothing,” i.e., which covers one’s body from neck to knee.
- Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.
Dumb Oregon Laws (by City)
Beaverton
- You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.
Eugene
- It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays. (Repealed in the 1970s)
- It is legal to conduct a horse race or a symphony concert.
Hood River
- Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license.
Klamath Falls
- It’s illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snake’s head off with your cane.
Portland
- It’s against the law for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. (Repealed in 1989)
- People may not whistle underwater.
- You cannot wear roller skates in restrooms.
Marion
- Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.
Myrtle Creek
- One may not box with a kangaroo.
Salem
- Women may not wrestle in Salem.
Springfield
- It is illegal to own a reptile within the city limits, unless you are a school or city, as a pet.
Stanfield
- Cloth towel dispensers are banned from restrooms.
- No more than two people may share a single drink.
