Welcome to our newest column, “Humorousness”. Like you, we get a few emails each month that make us smile… of course, we get a lot more that don’t, but we won’t send you those. You’ll see jokes and riddles, cartoons and pictures, pretty much anything that will bring a giggle. We’ll stay away from the raunchy or obscene, but humor is very subjective and if we DO run something that offends you, please remember that we probably weren’t trying to. And of course, if you have any chuckles you’d like to share with our audience, just email them to TomDwyer@TomDwyer.com. So now, with apologies where appropriate and without any further ado, we bring you the first installment of Humorousness! (And please, remember to tip your waiters and waitresses!)
10 guaranteed ways to start a fight…
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” And that’s when the fight started…
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My wife and I were in bed watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?’ I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes.’ So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s when the fight started…
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter took my order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.” And that’s when the fight started…
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My wife and I were at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man sitting alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My God,” I said, “Who would think a person could celebrate that long?” And that’s when the fight started…
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When our lawn mower broke down my wife kept hinting that I should get it fixed, but somehow I always had something else to take care of first. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I came home one day she was seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched for a while and then went inside for a toothbrush. I handed it to her, saying, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.” And that’s when the fight started…
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Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, dressed quietly, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. As I backed out to hook up the boat, a torrential downpour started and radio said the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible!” My wife replied, “Yes, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?” And that’s when the fight started…
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My wife was hinting about gifts for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale. And that’s when the fight started…
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter wanted my driver’s license to verify my age but I had left my wallet at home and said I would have to come back later. She said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’, so I opened my shirt to reveal my silver chest hair. She said, ‘That’s proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home and told my wife, she said, ‘You should have dropped your pants… you’d have gotten disability too!’ And that’s when the fight started…
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, ‘Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.’ And that’s when the fight started…
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I rear-ended a car this morning. When the driver got out of the other car, I saw he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT happy!’ So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you?’ And that’s when the fight started…
