The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids
Arthur Brooks in The Atlantic, Apr 2025
The research shows that you probably have less effect on your kids than you think—with one major exception: Your love will make them happy.
When one of my now-adult kids was in middle school, I had a small epiphany about parenting. I had been haranguing him constantly about his homework and grades, which were indeed a problem. One night, after an especially bad day, I was taking stock of the situation, and came to a realization: I didn’t actually care very much about his grades. What I wanted was for him to grow up to become a responsible, ethical, faithful, well-adjusted man. From that day forward, I stopped talking about his grades and started talking about values. It was a relief for both of us.
But then I got to wondering: If bugging him about grades didn’t change anything, why would talking about values make a difference? Did it really matter what I said about anything?
If you have children—or plan to have them—you probably share my concerns. According to a survey last year by the Pew Research Center, the No. 1 desire of parents for their children (which 94 percent of those surveyed say is extremely or very important) is that their kids turn out to be honest and ethical. Meanwhile, the No. 1 worry (which 76 percent of parents said was extremely-to-somewhat worrisome) is that their kids might struggle with depression or anxiety. In short, we want them above all to be good and happy people.
But just wanting these things isn’t enough. How do we achieve these goals? This question is at least as ancient as human civilization. Should we talk about these things with our children a lot, or not? Be strict with them, or lax? Or perhaps everything is genetics anyway, so maybe we should just hope and pray for the best. Fortunately, recent research has offered ways to help answer some of these difficult questions—and make us better parents…”
