Humorousness- Advice that works for toddlers and drunks

Original from Meredith Masony on HuffPost, Feb 2019

Toddlers can be irritable, opinionated, self-righteous creatures. Parenting them often reminds me of taking care of a drunk friend. A drunk friend who lives with you and never leaves. Nonetheless, toddlers and irresponsible friends happen.  Here are 30 things you can say to both your toddler and your drunk friend:

1. You can’t nap here. You need to go to your bed.
2. We don’t eat food from strangers.
3. We never touch our private parts in public.
4. We pee in toilets, not in the street.
5. Chew with your mouth closed.
6. Keep your fingers out of your nose.
7. I am not playing that song again. We have heard it 15 times. Put on your pants.
8. Don’t put that in your mouth.
9. It’s not nice to stare.
10. Yes, those are boobies, but we don’t touch those.
11. I know, couch is a funny word.
12. You have to eat all your food.
13. Stop looking at me like that.
14. I’m going to tell your father.
15. We need to use our “inside” voice.
16. Please keep your hands to yourself.
17. Don’t point, it’s rude.
18. Please go back and wash your hands.
19. Do you really think whining will get you what you want?
20. Please hold my hand in the parking lot. I don’t want you to get hit by a car.
21. I don’t have any more money. Please stop asking.
22. I know I said you could have ice cream, but it’s too late now.
23. Please don’t roll around in the grass, you are going to get your clothes dirty.
24. I am not going to ask you to sit down again. SIT DOWN.
25. Please don’t ask me if we’re almost there. I will tell you when we get there.
26. Do you need to sit in my lap?
27. I need you to use nice words.
28. We don’t hit. Hitting is bad.
29. Why are you holding yourself? Do you need to pee?
30. I told you to sit here. Why did you leave? You have to tell me when you’re going somewhere.

Next time you have the task of taking care of a drunk friend, remember why you love them. Be patient and hold their hand. They probably won’t remember in the morning, but just like a toddler, they need your love.

Meredith is a work-from-home mother of three who writes about the inappropriate side of marriage and motherhood on her blog at That’s Inappropriate. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.