It’s a rare person who escapes our shop without hearing Service Advisor Dean’s joke about “The Three Rings of Marriage… the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.” Anniversaries are such a rich source of jokes because, no matter how much we love our spouses, so many of us can relate to the tiny annoyances of living with the same person day after day for years. In honor of our 30th Anniversary in Sellwood we bring you a buffet of jokes about other people’s anniversaries. Don’t worry… we’ll pass the list along to Dean for some new material. (And thanks (or blame) to Unforgettable-anniversary-ideas.com, JokeQuote.com, and UniJokes.com for all these. What, you think we write these things ourselves?)
The Old Man & The Wizard
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
Tom and Susan’s 25th Wedding Anniversary
At the banquet of Tom and Susan’s 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us, Tom, just what is it you learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
Dangerous Food
A Physician was speaking about the dangers of certain foods to a large group in Florida.
He told them, “You have to be aware of hidden dangers. Hydrogenated fats are killers. Soda pop melts your tooth enamel and eats away your stomach lining. Most prepared foods are high in sugar, salt, and MSG. Even our drinking water can be harmful if not pure enough.
“But there’s one food that’s the most dangerous of all. Can anybody tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering even years after consuming it?”
The audience was silent until an older man in the second row spoke up and said, “Wedding Cake?”
The Genie
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish. The wife wished for an all-expense paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.
It All Went By So Fast
A husband and wife were celebrating 50 years of marriage with a big anniversary party. At one point they were toasted, then asked what it’s like to be married for 50 years.
The wife, known to have a quick wit, replied, “It all seems like five minutes….under water.”
The Truth Comes Out
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.
A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
“Well,” she replied, “since you ask, I’ve been unfaithful on three occasions.”
“What? How could you?”
“Let me tell you about it,” she said. “The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn’t have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free.”
“Well, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?”
“Remember that promotion when they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job.”
“Hell, but I guess I should be grateful. So what about the third time?”
“Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes…?”
The Bottom Line
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”
Father’s Day
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
You Can Run But You Can’t Hide
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge yet?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay American Express yet?”
“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check.”
“One last thing, Esther. Did you send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send those, either.” Abe gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.Esther asks him, “What was that for?”
Abe answers, “Looks like they’ll find us for sure!”
Think Before You Wish
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it and a genie appeared and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all-expense paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.
Romantic Anniversary Breakfast
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.
“Just think,” the old man says, “we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago.”
“Well,” the old lady snickers, “what do you say, should we get naked?”
The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady says slyly, “My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago.”
“I’m not surprised,” replies the old man. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!”
Never Trust a Genie
To celebrate their anniversary a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.
“Let’s be careful, honey,” the husband says, “If we damage that house it’ll cost us a fortune.”
The wife nods, tees off and – bang! – sends the ball right through the window of the mansion. They walk up to the house and knock on the door.
“Come on in,” a voice in the house says. When the couple enter the room, a man gets up and says, “Are you the guys who just broke my window?”
“Sorry about that,” the husband replies.
“Not at all, it’s me who has to thank you. I’m a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You’ve just released me. To show my gratitude, I’m allowed to grant each of you a wish. But – I’ll require one favor in return.”
“Really? That’s great!” the husband says. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem – that’s the least I can do. And you, what do you want?” the genie asks, looking at the wife.
“I want a house in every country of the world,” the wife says.
The genie smiles. “Consider it done.”
“And what’s this favor we must grant in return, genie?” the husband asks.
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven’t had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I’m fine if it’s alright with you.”
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, “How old exactly is your husband?”
“31,” she replies.
“And he still believes in genies? That’s amazing!”
Life Sentence
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!”
One-Line Anniversary Jokes
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters, all saying the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Son: Dad, is it true that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still has the same boss.
Marriage is a man and woman choosing to become as one. Trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
Judo is the Japanese art of conquering by yielding. The Western equivalent of Judo is, “Yes dear””. -J.P. McEvoy
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married… and she didn’t have to hear about how well his mother cooked.
