What’s on your Holiday list this year? Probably not most of the things on these lists, ripped directly from the slightly dated Top-10 List vaults of David Letterman…
Least Popular Holiday TV Specials
10 – “The Gingrich That Stole Christmas”
9 – “Rush Limbaugh Eats a Reindeer”
8 – “Bob Hope’s Dizzy Dizzy Christmas”
7 – “Frothy the Runny-Nosed Snow Monkey”
6 -“Richard Simmons Sweatin’ with Elves”
5 – “Harvey Fierstein’s Hanukkah on Fire Island”
4 – “Van Damme Kick-Boxes Santa to Death”
3 – “The Dave Letterman Christmas Spectacular”
2 – “Joycelyn Elders’ Mistletoe-For-One Special”
1 – “Teddy the Red-Nosed Kennedy”
Signs You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree
10 – Two feet tall, forty feet wide
9 – Salesman’s opening line: “You’re not a cop, are you?”
8 – It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
7 – While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
6 – Each branch has “Duraflame” printed on it.
5 – Keeps heckling your lame top ten list
4 – It’s very small and says “air freshener” on it.
3 – Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
2 – Some guy puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it
1 – Constantly bragging about its “trunk size”
Signs You’re Sick of the Holidays
10 – You’ve got red and green bags under your eyes
9 – You’re serving reindeer pot pie
8 – When you hear, “Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin’?,” you scream, “No! I’m not listening!”
7 – You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the ass with your BB gun
6 – You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you
5 – Instead of spending time with family, you’re watching some guy make photo copies
4 – You’re busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.
3 – You’ve got eggnog coming out of your ears
2 – Your standard response, “And happy holidays to you too, you bastard”
1 – Two words: tinsel rash
Top Ten Santa Pick-up Lines
(Note, this one is a bit “off-color”)
10 – “I’ll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly.”
9 – “I put the ‘scroo’ in Scrooge.”
8 – “I’ve got something you can hang a wreath on.”
7 – “One hour with me, honey, and you’ll see flyin’ reindeer!”
6 – “Buy you a Zima?”
5 – “That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you.”
4 – “Uh — yeah, that’s right, I’m Kenny Rogers.”
3 – “I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!”
2 – “Giddy-up over here and say ‘howdy’ to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!”
1 – “I’ve got an elf in my pants!”
Least Popular Christmas Carols
10 – “I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King”
9 – “Boris the Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had an 86-Proof Nose”
8 – “I’m Searching For the Real Killers With Every Round of Golf I Play”
7 – “Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You’re Going to Jail for One-to-Three”
6 – “Influenza, Influenza, Influenza, Influenza”
5 – “O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie”
4 – “Frosty the Crackhead Had a Crack Pipe Full of Crack”
3 – “I Have an Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum”
2 – “O.J. Is Free Although He’s Prob’ly Guilty”
1 – “Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants in a Cheap Hotel Room”
20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
20- Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
19- While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
18- Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
17- While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
16- Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
15- Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”
14- Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
13- Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
12- While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
11- Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa.”
10- Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”
9- Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
8- While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
7- Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.
6- Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
5- Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
4- Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
3- Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
2- Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
1- Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”
