“We laugh that we may not cry”, and every year the White House Correspondents’ dinner reminds us of the wisdom of that phrase. This annual display of media and political reciprocal brownnosing is an embarrassing indictment of the idea that the “Fourth Estate” has any remaining oversight role, but you know what? It can also be very, very funny. So don’t cry, laugh at these jokes from 2015’s Nerd Prom…
If you’re a complete geek, you can watch the full festivities here. If not, we’ve picked a couple of the high points of our own. Let’s open with several jokes from SNL’s Cecily Strong, host of the evening…
[Talking about telling politicians what to do:] “That’d be like you guys telling me what to do with my body. I mean, could you imagine!”
“Fox News has been losing a lot of viewers lately … may they rest in peace.”
“USA Today is here, but only because they were slipped under the hotel door.”
“What can I say about Brian Williams? Nothing, because I work for NBC.”
“I see so many Washington 10s, so like, New York 4s. Indiana 30s?”
“Who should I even vote for other than Hillary? I mean, who’s more knowledgeable about foreign policy than Marco Rubio? (Hillary.) … Who’s more knowledgeable about the economy than Hillary? (Bill.)”
“[About Hillary running:] I think she feels the same way Meryl Streep feels when she’s asked to audition for something. ‘I mean, are you kidding me, really?’ “
“Repeat after me, journalists. I solemnly swear to not talk about Hillary’s appearance, because that is not journalism. Also, Cecily Strong looks great tonight.”
[To Michelle Obama:] “You take care of that garden while you can, because you know in 18 months Bill is turning that into an above-ground pool.”
[On Obama aging:] “Your hair is so white now it can talk back to the police! We’ll high-five about that later.”
[How Obama is like Madonna:] “You’ve both given this country so much, but in, like, a year and half, you gotta stop.”
Of course, the main event of the night is the opportunity to see the President, whoever it is, let his hair down a little. Barack Obama did not disappoint. Here are some of his best one-liners, and a link to the video of Obama and his ‘Anger Translator’ that still has the Internet laughing…
McCain and Biden
Obama couldn’t deliver jokes at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner without discussing one of the stories that has most dogged that group of reporters: the Secret Service. Obama said the agency, which has fumbled time and again in the last year, has come up with a “fool proof way to keep people off my lawn.” The answer came in the form of a Photoshopped picture: Sen. John McCain with a broom. And to keep the nagging drones away? Vice President Joe Biden with a baseball bat.
Noting that he was feeling “more loose and relaxed than ever” in the fourth quarter of his presidency, Obama drew back to a too-close-for-comfort moment involving Vice President Joe Biden and Defense Secretary Ash Carter’s wife. “Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they’re like magic,” Obama joked. “You should try one. Oh you have?”
Obama tried to soften the blow by pointing out how much he loves Biden. “I love that man,” Obama said. “We’ve gotten so close that some places in Indiana won’t serve us pizza any more,” a reference to Indiana’s recent religious freedom law that angered LGBT rights activists.
Hillary Clinton’s financial woes
Obama’s Clinton joke was almost like a return to Clinton’s comments that she and President Bill Clinton were “dead broke” when they left the White House… “For example I have one friend, just a few weeks ago she was making millions of dollars a year. And she ‘s now living out of a van in Iowa,” Obama said in a reference to Clinton’s listening tour in the days and weeks following her campaign announcement.
Knocking the 2016ers
Obama knocked Ted Cruz as a narcissist after the Texas Republican senator recently compared himself to Galileo for fighting back against climate change: “Galileo believed the world revolved around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz,” Obama joked.
And Rick Santorum should stop talking about how he wouldn’t attend a gay marriage, Obama said — because there’s no way gays and lesbians would even consider inviting him to a same-sex wedding.
And for Donald Trump, who is eying a presidential run for the umpteenth time? “Donald Trump is here. Still,” Obama joked. “Anyway.”
“Apparently they really want to see a pot smoking socialist in the White House,” Obama said of Sen. Bernie Sanders, who considers himself a socialist. “We could get a third Obama term after all.”
And on former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley, Obama pulled from Clinton’s recent trip to a Chipotle, where she appeared to try and pass through incognito. “Not to be outdone, Martin O’Malley kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Martin O’Malley campaign event,” Obama quipped.
Obamacare
The 2014 midterms were still on Obama’s mind as he touted the benefits of his signature health care law, that helps American get affordable health insurance even if they don’t have a job. “Today thanks to Obamacare, you no longer have to worry about losing your insurance if you lose your job. You’re welcome Senate Democrats,” Obama said.
Dick Cheney
Obama swung back at Vice President Dick Cheney, who recently called Obama “the worst President of my lifetime.” “Dick Cheney said I was the worst president of his lifetime, which is interesting because I think Dick Cheney is the worst president of my lifetime,” Obama joked of the former vice president, who was considered very influential in the Bush White House.
