Your Car Matters is worth nothing if not salt, so we’re covering the Olympics in the only place that makes any sense to us… our Humorousness column. Yes, when you’re done with the amateurish dreck ladled out by NBC, click on over here for Olympic jokes, cartoons, and videos you just can’t get anywhere else! (Well, unless you go to the websites we stole all these from.)
“There are 12 new events in this year’s Winter Olympics, 12. The new events include women’s ski jumping, luge-team relay, and finding a working toilet.” –Conan O’Brien
“I guess it isn’t going well over there. In fact, I heard there’s even a shortage of pillows. The shortage is so bad that visitors are being asked to give their pillows to the Olympic athletes, because there’s nothing more comforting than waking up in Russia to see a stranger coming at you with a pillow. ‘How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Tomorrow night the Olympics begin from Sochi. A lot of people over there say the hotels stink. The problem is there are only three hotels in Sochi. Of course, you have the Ritz Chernobyl. You have the Sheraton Gulag. And really the best one over there, The Two Seasons.” –David Letterman
“The hotels are lousy. The Olympic village is a mess. The food is horrible. And, well, that’s what happens when you tick off gay people.” –David Letterman
“While attempting to light the Olympic flame, Vladimir Putin’s body oil caught on fire.” –David Letterman
“The games haven’t even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don’t flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it’s like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.” –Jay Leno
“The Olympics start Friday and Russia’s implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. The government will monitor every email. They will monitor every social media message and they will listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are now comparing Russia to the United States. That’s how bad it is.” –Jay Leno
“Today, the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. But Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming.” –Conan O’Brien
“In their hotel at the Sochi Olympics, the Canadian hockey team has to squeeze three players to a room. Even the bobsledders are like, ‘Isn’t it a little cramped?’ When you scare off all the gay people, interior design goes to hell.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“In advance of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, the Russian government announced that, contrary to popular belief, people in Russia will be allowed to protest. But only in a special protest zone – known as ‘Siberia.'” –Jay Leno
“On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country’s anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they’re in Russia.” –Jimmy Fallon
“The mayor of Sochi in Russia where they’re having the Olympics says there are no gay people in Sochi. Well, we can’t expect too much from the opening ceremonies then. Who will be working on the choreography?” –Jay Leno
“The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.” –David Letterman
“Tomorrow marks the one-month countdown to the Winter Olympics in Russia. Vladimir Putin said, ‘Athletes, you got one month left to train –— and gay athletes, one month left to stop being gay.'” –Conan O’Brien
“The Winter Olympics are around the corner. President Vladimir Putin says people will be allowed to protest the Winter Olympics as long as they stay in a designated protesting zone. When they asked where the zone is located Putin said, ‘Poland.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“The Olympic torch arrived in Sochi yesterday, after going on a four-month relay around the world. That’s when you know things are bad – when even the TORCH is putting off going to Russia.” –Jimmy Fallon
“So the winter Olympics are right around the corner, and this is cool – the U.S. Olympic team just announced that its new uniforms are all made in America, after last year’s uniforms were criticized for being made in China. Which got awkward when they realized the “Made in America” tags were actually made in China.” –Jimmy Fallon
“In anticipation of the Winter Olympics, a female curling champion released some sexy photos of herself curling in lingerie. When asked for comment, Americans said they’re still not going to watch curling.” –Conan O’Brien
“Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia’s anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, ‘Discrimination is just wrong.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia’s anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert.” –Jay Leno
“Russia also has the Winter Olympics, and that’s a big mess too because, you know, Russia is really, really anti-gay. You know this? Seriously, they said they would arrest any Olympic athletes for “promoting” homosexuality. In a related story, figure skating has been canceled.” –Bill Maher
“A Russian official announced that gay athletes attending the 2014 Olympics there will be arrested. This is good news for the world’s three straight male figure skaters. Just show up, get a medal, you’re done. No competition. ” –Conan O’Brien
“Russia has announced that, for the 2014 Olympics, it will send the Olympic torch up to the International Space Station. They’ve also announced a new Olympic Event – ‘Watching Six Astronauts Have All Their Oxygen Used Up By a Burning Torch.'” Conan O’Brien
Tryouts for the U.S. Olympic women’s marathon swim team were to be held. The first was in California; a swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke. Three women signed up for the tryouts – a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. The race started, and after approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the winner. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled ashore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete this regulation breaststroke race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.”
