We examined a lot of serious issues with the police this month, but it’s worth acknowledging that the overwhelming majority of police aren’t problems at all. They’re just people, putting their lives on the line in a dirty business day after day. They rarely get the praise, thanks, or recognition they deserve. That said, police
are fodder for countless jokes because the awkwardness, confusion, and tension of a police encounter can lead to some very funny slips of the tongue. If the rest of this month’s newsletter has given you reason to cry, then let us give you a reason to laugh at some of the funniest cop jokes we could find. (Thanks to ahajokes.com and jokes4us.com for the selection.)
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A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. “What are those for?” she asked suspiciously. “I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.” “Well, show me,” the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now.”
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt. “What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asks. The man responds, “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.” His wife says, “Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.” The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.” Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, “Are we over the border yet?”
Did you hear that the energizer bunny was arrested? He was charged with battery.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
TRUE STORY- A sheriff’s deputy arrested a 22 year old white male who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the courthouse, the man was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The arresting officer testified “I walked up to him and he was just humping away at this pumpkin.” The deputy went on to describe what happened when she approached the man… “I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?” He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: “A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?” The man was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10, and sent on his way.
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!” In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. ” The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there,” as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? “The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s bull… With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs… “Your badge… Show him your badge!”
A policeman arrested 2 boys yesterday, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I was drunk when I had my drivers license picture taken. That way, when the police pulls me over, I don’t have to worry.
The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances,” he explains. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man is horrified, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” “Well,” says the proctor, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.” The CIA proctor leads the second male candidate to another large steel door and hands him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances,” the proctor explains. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room. After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes. “I wanted to do it I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.” Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she’s fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door cursing, screaming, crashing. Suddenly, all goes quiet. The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, “Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”
The toilets were stolen from the police station. The cops have nothing to go on.
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?” The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a tiger in the front seat. “What are you doing with that tiger?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.” The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the tiger again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. “I thought you were going to take that tiger to the zoo!” The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Mustang East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, “Hey, sarge, why did you stop?” The sarge replied, “He’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”
Bobby and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bobby, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!” “Don’t worry, Bobby,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.” “What fer?”, asked Bobby. “Just let me do the talkin’, OK?,” said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?” “No, sir,” said Earl while pointing at the labels. “We’re on the patch.”
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.” The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
