Do you ever look around yourself and wonder if you’re the only sane person left on the planet? The truth is you are. Humorousness this month is dedicated to (theoretically true) stories to support that conclusion. They come from various sources, but the ones from the Washington, DC source tell us more than we want to know about our political representatives. And we make no promises concerning their “truthiness”…
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two…’ We haven’t used Sears repair since.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.’ She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage, without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
I was at a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing.’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. She was a deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs’ office, no less.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply, ‘I know. I already got that side.’ This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi
A New Hampshire Congresswoman asked for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an jet airplane!)
I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s staffer who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .” Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ” his response — click.
A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and still got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
A New York lawmaker called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’ He replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!” After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman from Ala who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”
A Senator called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”
One Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double-checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
A New Jersey Congressman called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” ‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.” ”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?” The reply? ”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”
(An angry customer approaches me.) Customer: “I purchased a pregnancy test from here, and it doesn’t work! I want my money back! I’ll never come here again! Stupid thing didn’t work!”
Me: “Okay… did you use it properly?”
Customer: “Do I look like an idiot?! I peed on a stick. Anyone can pee on a f****** stick!”
Me: “Did any type of line come up?”
Customer: “No, not a single line. Just a f****** number 30. How can I be 30% pregnant?”
Me: “Well, this is the first I’ve heard about this. Do you have the box with you so I can check if there have been any problems before?”
(The customer hands me the box. I stare at it and try not to laugh.)
Me: “Uh… you do realize that this is a thermometer, right?”
Customer: *runs out of the store*
A San Francisco man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote a note that said “This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, the man began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and that they might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America branch and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line at the second bank, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, told the man that she could not accept his robbery note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “Okay” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Not too long ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the company’s fleet of 747s. They had no problems getting the raft out of the plane and home. However, when they took the life raft for a pleasure cruise on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming straight at them. You see, it turns out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. Here’s a shocker… The group is no longer Boeing employees.
“John” was a medical student doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center of a Nashville, Tennessee hospital. On his first day of work, a woman called the hospital very upset because she caught her young daughter eating ants. John quickly reassured her that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. The woman calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat, thinking it would kill the ants. John then told the woman that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
A guy walked into a little corner store in Tempe, Arizona with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He then told the cashier to put it in the bag as well. Surprisingly, the cashier refused, saying it was “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” Confused, the robber said he was in fact over 21, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to the man because he didn’t believe him. That’s when the thief showed his intelligence by taking his driver’s license out of his wallet and handing it to the store clerk. The clerk gave the man’s license a good look, agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and he put the scotch in the bag with the money. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier then promptly called the police and gave them the name and address of the robber that he got off the guy’s license. The thief was arrested two hours later at his own home.